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Which superstition greatest dictates your online or publication behavior?
I never ever step on a crack, especially in front of a crackhouse when a black crack ho is crossing my path.

Which invention best highlights the runaway consumerism of the decadent West?
Martha Stewart’s lo-carb uranium yellow cake.

If your site was an intelligent, self-aware robot, how would it destroy all humanity?
We are working on a new strain of genetically engineered humor that causes virulent convulsive laughter that is, literally, gut-busting.

When the revolution comes, for what crime will the insurgents hold you accountable?
Comedic malfeasance and assault and battery with a Double-A battery. Also Manfred Mannslaughter.

If your newspaper became a cult what wacko principles would you force upon your followers?
Mandatory Pledge of Allegiance in which the words “under God” are replaced by “in accordance with the principles espoused by the divine wombat of love.”

Which ESPN2 sport (real or imagined) should be an Olympic event?
As a former collegiate Synchronized Shot Put champion, I am lobbying for the 2008 Olympics to include both Trampoline Taekwondo and Greco-Roman Dope-Slapping.

Provided you had broadband internet access, from where would you ideally run your site?
At this very moment, we’ve got a guy with his ass crack sticking out of his pants running T1 lines from our corporate headquarters in Ulan Bator, Mongolia, to our state-of-the-art production facility in Battle Creek, Michigan.

As the Craig David song asks, "where is the love?"
I don’t know, but I’m told President Bush has promised to find it, smoke it out of its cave and bring it to justice before an international tribunal.

What's the best or coolest thing you've ever won?
New England Newspaper Association Humor Columnist of the Year (2000). I was also instrumental in securing the coveted Purple Chin award for President Bush after he fell off his mountain bike.

Which nations has your writing helped to overthrow?
It is no coincidence that the Berlin Wall fell just 36 hour after the Humor Gazette published the Reagan-inspired call to arms, “Fistful of Jelly Beans.” Our unique brand of subversive humor has also fueled rebel mischief from to Baghdad to Pyongyang.

Boxers or breifs?
I mostly wear just a fig leaf, I find it to be more refreshing, all natural and 100% bio-degradable, sometimes even while I'm still wearing it. Sadly, figs are only in season for a couple months out of the year and the trees do shed thier leaves. Of course, at those times I also have to shed mine.

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