We're here chatting it up something fierce with Brian K. White, the guy who says he's the webmaster of Glossy News, though didn't bring any proof to the effect nor any press credentials. Brian, thanks for making time in your busy schedule to meet with us.
No problem, and please, call me Mr. White.

O…kay… Mr. White, if you could go back in time and slap just one person, who would it be?
Wow, there's so many quality ex-girlfriends to choose from but I'd have to go with a dinosaur. Not like a healthy T-Rex but like maybe a verge-of-extinction Pterodactyl, you know like when it's all weak and couldn't beak me to death. That would be a really cool slap.

If you could fall out of any building, which one would it be?
Fall out of a building? That's odd, okay, um… Moe's Tavern, that's a nice short one. Besides, if I did odds are I'd be all blotto and not even know it.

Along those lines, if you were a Simpson, which one would you be?
Not successful enough to be Moe or Chief Wiggum, not pious enough to be Flanders. I've rebounded too well to be Frank Grimes. I won't go in to why Burns and Smithers are out. Let's see, I guess I'm like a white version of Carl. Too many people love Lenny for me to be him, I'm pretty infamous but I think I've got just enough subtle spirit and toxic radiation poisoning to be Carl.

What's the smallest thing you've ever stolen?
Stolen, sheesh man, trying to get me busted here? It wasn't exactly stealing but I once borrowed a pepper shaker from the restaurant I worked at. It was only borrowing because about every two months I brought it back and swapped it out for a different one. Oh, until I got fired. Yeah, to hell with them, I got the last laugh, me and my free pepper shaker, didn't I?

Sunrise or sunset?
Depends what time the party started. BBQ's are alright for going through to sunset, but for going out dancing that twilight had best be the rising sun. For photos and art I don't much care which, they look the same to me. It's all twilight to me.

In a perfect world, what time would your day start?
In my ideal world there would be a daylight savings-style one hour time shift about twice a week. This week I'd love to get up each day around ten, but next week should be eleven or noon, and probably within about six months I think I could get back around full circle jerkle to getting up at ten AM again. It sounds like madness even to me, but at least it's my own sort of madness.

When was the last time you were stranded somewhere and for how long?
It was terrible. I went for a drive maybe two months ago. Came back out to the car to go home and it wouldn't start. I didn't have my phone on me and I was stuck. I waited four hours sitting in that stupid car drinking all the beer I'd just bought before I finally gave up. It wouldn't start anyhow so I got out and walked all the way home. Must have taken me about twelve minutes.

What sketch comedy show has had the greatest influence on your satire?
I'd have to go with Upright Citizens Brigade. It ran on Comedy Central back when I had cable and I watched it every Sunday night. When the money age ended and the internet piracy age dawned I downloaded every episode and savored them just as much. I loved Kids in the Hall, the first season of The State and the first 22 minutes of each episode of HBO's Mr. Show, but it was Upright Citizen's Brigade that taught me how detestable astronauts are, what a hot babe's room is, and how true cowboys should treat a chubby women who's all crippled up.

If you could take just one thing with you to be stuck on a deserted dessert island, what would it be?
Assuming I can be rescued it would be a satellite phone, because, you know, kinda want to get off the island at some point, right? If I'm to assume that rescue isn't an option, gosh it's a toss up between Alley Baggett and Veronika Zemanova, though both my knee-jerk as well as my hand-jerk reaction is to say Veronika. Why, do you think you could hook that up?

What do you think of these interview questions?
I think they're hard, but I think if they weren't there wouldn't be any fun in answering them. Honestly I hate interviews because it feels like a challenge of who's dumber and more trite. Like "Hey, let me ask you the most predictable question ever so you can give me the most rehearsed and predictable answer ever, how delightful!" These take a bit more work and I dig 'em like a bowl of Honey Smacks.

Boxers or briefs?
Oh I'm all commando today. Normally it's boxers but asking me to show up somewhere and have underwear on at the same time frankly asking a bit too much, don't you think?

Also, read the site description.

If you've enjoyed this interview feel free to visit thier site directly for more wit, news and disenlightenment.

---

---