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How often do you ghost-write for your inner child?
My inner child is adopted. This doesn't mean I love him any less or treat him any differently from my real children, although obviously if I had to get rid of one then the cuckoo would be first out the door. Sophie's Choice wouldn't get a look in. Let's face it, your own blood is your own blood and the adopted kid is only a means of getting money from the social. Everyone knows that, right? Still, hey I'm a loving, caring adoptive parent so when the adopted inner child starts whining to have something written then I am always there to provide tough love and tell him to do it himself. How else is the kid going to learn? As I always tell him, he's here because his real parents didn't love him so why should I?

How has fluoridated water affected your satirical coverage of conspiracies?
You still believe they put fluoride in water? Some people are so easily taken in by establishment lies. Look, we are plumbers, we know these things. There is roughly one part fluoride to every 362 parts water just so that "they" can claim they aren't lying. The rest is made up of a sufficient level of prozac to keep the populace in line. It's the only thing that is stopping mass public protest rallies, the storming of the elitist citadels and the comeback of the Mamas and the Papas.

In answer to your question, we do not believe conspiracy theories. Never have done, never will.

What's the greatest invention of WWII?
The sandwich maker. Where would the kitchens of the world be today without it? Okay perhaps not the kitchens of Somalia, Sudan, Rwanda or Liberia but the rest of the world has good reason to be grateful to the ingenuity of Hitler's chefs when he was holed up in his bunker at Reichskanzle in the closing days of the war. The Fuhrer, understandably bored with stale pumpernickel and cheese demanded a final effort from his troops and the sandwich maker was born. It remains one of sciences great tragedies yet one of life's pleasant ironies that Hitler committed suicide just two days before the perfection of the first toasted sandwich - bruder basil and tomato with optional mayonnaise.

What's the best use of the Internet in the current era?
It depends, who's going to be reading this? If it includes my mother or my life partner than obviously the answer is the rapid dissemination of information to those in the greatest need so enabling education and improving global health and understanding. Otherwise it's porn. Let's face it, the Internet was invented for porn. You know it, I know it. Dick Cheney certainly knows it. Porn, porn, porn.

As the song asks, "Why Can't We be Friends?"
You have a beard. If you listen carefully you will hear the sound of me picking up my case and resting it. You have a beard. Not even a proper beard, a goatee. You just know that if goats had access to shaving facilities then they would remove their facial disfigurement at the earliest opportunity.

Have you ever killed anybody?
Nope, unless you count John F Kennedy and that was more of a political act and not really a murder at all. Shooting shopkeepers for a bit of loose change, strangling your mother-in-law because she just will not, ever, ever, ever shut up, stabbing the guy whose cat keeps shitting in your garden or perhaps mowing down a group of six-year-olds on their way to school if they get in the way of your car when you've had a skinful. That's murder. I would argue that the assassination of a president is a legitimate political statement. You count that as murder?

Which racial or social minority do you most enjoy pointing and laughing at?
Dwarves. I just can't help it. Whenever I am walking down the street and see a dwarf, a midget, a munchkin or someone simply stunted by social inequality, I can't help but snigger. It's not big and it's not clever so I just point and laugh. Hey, what's the weather like down there? Hey, short arse. Can you lend me some money, I'm a bit short. Dwarves have no sense of humour, they are all so grumpy.

How do you plan to take over the world?
Slowly. There's no point in rushing these things and getting caught, thrown in prison and becoming a bad man's boyfriend. As John Lennon said, revolution can wait till tomorrow, today there's beer to be drunk. You plan an overnight overthrowing of the world order and you are just asking for trouble. Have you ever seen Pinky and the Brain? Well there you go. The Plumbers' way is altogether more sneaky. Slowly, slowly catchee mongoose.

What's the most unusual pickup line you've ever successfully used?
I tend to find that the line "I've got a knife" serves me particularly well. It's amazing how receptive the ladies are when that is delivered with a bit of style, a certain elan and just the merest hint of a French accent. They are like putty in the hands of a master glazier, like tender sirloin in the hands of a master butcher or like good Swedish porn in the hands of a connoisseur.

What is worth dying for?
Life. Life and beer. And sex. Good sex, that is. Not bad sex, that's not worth dying for. And maybe a pastrami sandwich with all the trimmings. Lovely. Well maybe not worth dying for but certainly very nice. Okay let me think again. Life, beer, world peace, an end to poverty and the sight of George W Bush being rogered by a prize bull. I'd be prepared to die for that lot.

Boxers or breifs?
In the clearing stands my boxers and sadly they are frayed
And they carry a reminder of every job that wore them down,
Or stain them 'til I cry out in my anger and my shame,
"I am washing, I am washing."
But the skid mark still remains.

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