Now here's the tough love, so listen up!

Ugly formatting takes tons of time to fix, and left unfixed no one will read it.

1. Don't double-space between sentences. That's what they taught us in typing class back when we used True-Type fonts like Courier. Those days have long since passed, only one space between sentences.
   Wrong - This is a sample sentence.  This is the following sentence.
   Right - This is a sample sentence. This is the following sentence.

2. Don't leave goofy line spacing. If your program breaks up sentences up all willy-nilly like in email, don't leave it in like that, go back and fix it.
   Wrong - Earlier this week Whitehouse
   insiders reported that sources
   close to the president were nearing
   total exasperation over his failure
   to recognize sexual advances by interns.
   Right - Earlier this week Whitehouse insiders reported that sources close to the president were nearing total exasperation over his failure to recognize sexual advances by interns.

3. Don't write in all caps, not even in headlines. It's like yelling at the editors and the readers. What's wrong, bro? Time for a group hug, okay, come on in... no all caps.
   Wrong - COKE DEALERS LOCAL 242 GOES ON STRIKE
   Right - Coke Dealers Local 242 Goes on Strike

4. Capitalize the first letter of each word in headlines, except for prepositions (unless they begin or end the headline. So to keep it simple, capitalize the first letter of each word except "to, for, from," etc, unless it's like "From Darkness, a New Candidate Emerges". It's okay to capitalize "from" in that instance, but notice "a" still stayed lower case.

5. Keep your headlines short. If it's so long it's hard to recall, it's too long. Don't feel obligated to give the joke away in the headline.

6. Read the section on copy editing, even if you don't plan on being an editor. Every bit helps.

7. If you want something in bold or italics, you can do it by typing codes like; I want <i>this in italics</i>... same thing applies for <b>stuff in bold</b>.
   

You need to copy-edit your own material

1. HIT ME! Most writers who are turned down get the comment, "I need this to be punchier, the jokes need to be jumping off the page." Cute don't cut it. Be honest and critical, is your piece really funny? Maybe have a friend read through it first.

2. Your headline should scream "KAZANGA!" Keep headlines short, descriptive, and dear God, make it funny. You won't be punished for writing inadequate headlines. Indeed all the top newspapers have seperate people for just that purpose. Takes a real knack, you know. But better is better, so make it a zinger.

3. Spellcheck, spelchek, speelchack! Horrible typo's, spello's and thinko's should be kept to a minimum.

4. Hit 'em fast. Is there humor in the first (and every) paragraph? It may seem cute when you write it, but if five paragraphs before the punchline will insure no one will ever get that far.

5. No explicit profanity, please. We get caught with those and net-nanny will block us. We'd lose over half our readership since most read at work. We were turned down from Google Ad-Sense, a fairly lucritive advertising source because we were too racey. We'd be profitable today if we had been clean.

6. Trim, trim, trim. The shorter, (typically,) the better. If your article is over six paragraphs long go back and look for stuff to cut. If it isn't setting up or delivering the joke, it's gotta go. Sadly, readers give priority to shorter pieces.

7. Make paragraphs of a reasonable length, if not shorter. Most readers just skim so break them in two if you must. See, this is short and you read it.
   

What NOT to write?

1. Bush is done to death, let him go. If you REALLY wanna write Bush, it better be a twist no one has seen because we're all pretty sick of him. He's too easy of a target. Even Drunk monkeys can satirize him.
   
2. "Area Man" stories. The phrase was coined by The Onion and it stinks of Onion a mile away. It's off limits. Try "Local Man", "Neighborhood Resident" or anything else.
   
3. Something you just saw on another satire site... spoof the news not our friends and allies. I've done it a time or two, but it was writers I know personally and I paid homeage at the same time. If everyone else is writing it, you'd better have an angle they don't or you need to get back to writing about Monkey Porn, because that stuff sells like crazy in any market.

What TO write, since you shouldn't write that other stuff.